The time set aside in my schedule to lay on my couch and refuel myself before going to campus has been compromised today. As I lay down, tired but aware that the day still has 8+ hours left, I can't help but think about the last few days and the tears start.
Now, I don't often cry that much, but lately I'm seeing the tears come more often. Slowly the wall of my emotions is starting to come down as it gets hit again and again with the weight of what's happening in the world. As things get more personal to my own life I can't avoid how messed up the world is. Here are the things that have hit me the hardest this week.
I think about what my brother Tim said right before I started. "The word says, When one part of the body suffers we all do. So I must be the shoulder carrying the weight of this pain, but I'm dislocated cause my pain feels disconnected from the church and ignored."
See my shoulder is connected to my body and when it hurts, it hurts all over my face, my neck, and my back. Even now, I sit on the couch holding the heating pad on it as I try to loosen up the muscles that have gotten out of place, and remember how much it hurts. It's been almost two years of constant pain and I know that the process to recovery is hard and long and causes new pain. But it's needed to get to healing. So if my physical body takes that much time, energy, and effort to heal, why would anyone think that the systemic racism in the US would take any less time, energy, or effort to heal?
I also read a post from Rebecca Lee as her school created space for the students to express their feelings about the killing of Terence Crutcher... whose daughter attended that school. I can imagine being in that cafeteria, listening and seeing the kids who have just had this effect them in such a hard way. I think back to earlier today when I stood in 9th grade English and we read about the shooting in Charlotte and the thoughts and emotions that brought up for some of the students. What if that were to happen in my community, in my school? I care about all of the students that I teach and this year I've been blessed to see the benefit of seeing them year after year and how that's impacted how I substitute. I wouldn't wish anyone to lose their parent, especially not in this manner. Terrance could have been their dad, just driving home. He could have been one of my college students on his way home from class. He could have been one of the kids... hurt for something minor or nothing at all. And I feel their pain even as the students I work with discuss what's happened in the free moments of class.
Last night a friend and I remembered how differently a recent incident we had with the police could have gone. A few weeks ago, we were in Niagara Falls driving from 7-11 to McDonalds which I had done only two weeks prior and decided to go without directions. After a few minutes I realized I needed GPS as we started to go into the not so good part of town. I pull over and while pulling up the directions the cop stops on the other side of the street. The tension is palpable in the car as just earlier we had been talking about how many people are anti police right now due to their actions. I roll down my window so I can hear what he's saying through his and he asks me what I'm doing. I share and he listens then says he'll direct us there. He was aware that we were entering the bad part of town and concerned as it was around midnight. The comments from the teen age boys in the backseat were vastly different after that, but we all realize the convo could have been different. See, my personal experience with police versa the community experience of the three hispanic guys wasn't the same so we were all nervous of what experience we were going to get. I'm very thankful that it was a good experience as we could have been another hashtag.
Too often the media tells a different story. I've been struggling to think about and turn to God the problems in this world with sexual assault, human trafficking, porn, addictions, race as they all hit too close to home. Honest discussions about them with others reveal just how close they are... then I see articles like this: You can sleep tonight knowing the KKK is awake. Not just awake, but having meeting in the town that the Christian camp I went to growing up is.
I watched this video which again brings the killings too close to home. Please note, the clean version of this song doesn't exist yet so there will be a few swear words... I believe swearing is wrong and I don't do it. But in the world, I hear many more swear words walking around town, on campus, and in the school, and I believe the benefit of the video is powerful enough that I want to share it anyway. If you choose to watch, you've been warned so please don't complain.
Lastly, I identified a lot with this post. Please take a few minutes to read it. The quotes from MLK are especially pertinent as everyone loves him now, but I believe many of them would have hated him then.
My mind is racing as I get ready for a night of worship, testimonies, prayer, and passing out water bottles downtown... giving a chance to both be impacted by God and to see his hope and movement on the campus. I saw last night how fast news spreads on the internet and how quick to provide prayer we are when someone is hurt. If that's how we handle physical injury and prayer is the first response to the pain, why aren't we doing anything about the pain that so many of our brothers and sisters in Christ are feeling right now? Especially as there is something we can do.
